Let the countdown begin...

I bought a ticket today to see Paul McCartney at the Hollywood Bowl on March 31st. I am so excited! I have been a huge McCartney & Beatles fan my whole life so this is no ordinary concert for me. It means a lot to me to be able to go. I got to see him for the 1st time 5 years ago and had the time of my life.

When I had a job all I did was go to work and go home then go to work then go home. That was my life. My commute was an hour each way and by the time I got home I was tired, had to make dinner, do chores and go to bed so I could get up and do it all over again. I lived paycheck to paycheck and never did anything fun. I stayed home all the time because I never had any money. So going to see my idol in concert was a huge deal since it was the 1st time I'd done anything for myself. Now I get to do it again.

I started thinking about how I need to do more fun things for myself. I'm unemployed now and am stressed out about finding a job. I recently found an old friend of mine on Facebook and was struck by how much traveling she's done since we last saw each other. Nothing real exotic like Europe or anything but she's traveled to different cities across the country and has had a great time as is evident in the pictures she's posted on her page.

I wish I could take trips and see new things. I let the fact that I'm overweight hold me back. I don't think much of myself and keep to myself quite a bit. I avoid social situations because I'm self conscious about how I look. I'm afraid to fly anywhere because I'm afraid the airlines will make me buy 2 seats. I love photography but I never allow anyone to take photos of me. Why would anyone want to look at me? I lack confidence which is why I stayed at my job at Cubicle Hell, Inc. for 8 years. I was worried that no one else would hire me.

I've been fat since I was a teenager and had 2 verbally abusive parents who were more than happy to let me know how fat and ugly I was. They put me down constantly and I've grown up to think that I'm worthless.

I've decided this needs to finally stop. I'm tired of living this way. I'm going to start exercising on a regular basis tomorrow. I've done this before but when I started to lose weight I began sabotaging myself and it took me a while to realize why.

The truth is I'm scared. I've been overweight for so long I don't know who I am without it. I'm always the "fat girl". I was the one who watched every one's purses & coats while they went and danced. I was always the one home on Fri & Sat nights that my friends knew they could call when they didn't have dates or anything better to do. Once when a friend was worried she wouldn't get a date for the xmas party she told me "At least I know I'll get one before you." Thanks.

I'm going to start keeping track of what I eat and now often I work out. I know I can do this. I just need to get over my anxiety. I will blog on a regular basis to keep track of my progress. I want to see how much I can lose in a month before I go to the McCartney concert.

Wish me luck!