Getting Better

I wasn't feeling so great the past couple of days so I did not exercise however I did today and am feeling much better. I wasn't going to weigh myself until Sunday but I decided to take a little peek today and I've already lost 3 lbs this week which makes me happy.

Here's what I had to eat today:

Breakfast: Spinach & tomato omelet w/ reduced fat cheese, 2 slices of whole grain toast w/ peanut butter.

Lunch: Veggie burger on wheat bread w/ spinach & cheese.

Dinner: Shrimp scampi w/ spinach & tomatoes on a bed of Barilla Plus angel hair pasta.

Desert: 3 pieces of chocolate

Snack: Bowl of cereal

I spent the afternoon watching movies-- "Ponyo" and "In the Loop" both of which I liked. Now I think I'll go read my book A Thousand Splendid Suns which has been good so far. It's by the same author that wrote The Kite Runner so I'm expecting something terribly sad to happen.

I should also mention I went grocery shopping and bought some healthy food to keep in the house so that I'm not temped to eat junk. I've done well. Today I got emotional thinking about my grandfather and wanted to binge but I didn't. He died right before Thanksgiving several months ago and I miss him but eating a chicken fried steak isn't going to help any. God that sounds good...

Day 2

I'm pretty tired right now. I ran a lot of errands and just wanted to come home, lie down and watch TV however I immediately popped in my workout DVD as soon as I got home and got to work.

I ate the exact same food today that I did yesterday. For some reason I'm craving bacon lately so I had another BLT.

I also bought myself a box of nice chocolates. Let me explain. I'm a chocoholic so I always have chocolate in the house. I eat less of the good chocolates than I do the bags of Hershey nuggets I usually buy. With the good chocolates I only need 1 or 2 pieces and I'm satisfied. If I buy a bag of M&M's then I eat a lot of them. So this box of chocolates will help satisfy my chocolate cravings without having to go overboard. Yes, there is a method to this madness!

I have a job interview tomorrow. I hope something comes of this. Job hunting is getting old. I'm anxious to get back to work already so I can stop worrying about money. The stress is wreaking havoc on my diet. I've been eating badly for a couple of weeks now. I need to find other ways to deal with stress. I've turned to food for so long I'm not sure what to replace it with. I'll find something!

Day 1

Today's weight: 253lbs

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs w/ reduced fat cheese, whole grain toast w/ peanut butter

Lunch: BLT

Not a good choice. I was at my school applying for jobs in the Career Center which took longer than expected. I had other errands to run afterwards so I stopped at Subway and submitted to my bacon craving.

Dinner: Barilla Plus pasta w/ tomato sauce (Newman's Own Sockarooni) w/ a veggie Italian sausage.

Dessert: 4 Thin Mints

Exercise: 20 min of cardio

I'm already sore from the exercise so who knows how I'll feel tomorrow! I took some Advil PM so I should be fine. I made a bad choice at lunch but I did make good choices for breakfast & dinner. It's a start. Proud of myself for exercising! I plan on doing my cardio dvd everyday.

I won't weigh myself til next Monday. We'll see how much progress I can make in a week!

Let the countdown begin...

I bought a ticket today to see Paul McCartney at the Hollywood Bowl on March 31st. I am so excited! I have been a huge McCartney & Beatles fan my whole life so this is no ordinary concert for me. It means a lot to me to be able to go. I got to see him for the 1st time 5 years ago and had the time of my life.

When I had a job all I did was go to work and go home then go to work then go home. That was my life. My commute was an hour each way and by the time I got home I was tired, had to make dinner, do chores and go to bed so I could get up and do it all over again. I lived paycheck to paycheck and never did anything fun. I stayed home all the time because I never had any money. So going to see my idol in concert was a huge deal since it was the 1st time I'd done anything for myself. Now I get to do it again.

I started thinking about how I need to do more fun things for myself. I'm unemployed now and am stressed out about finding a job. I recently found an old friend of mine on Facebook and was struck by how much traveling she's done since we last saw each other. Nothing real exotic like Europe or anything but she's traveled to different cities across the country and has had a great time as is evident in the pictures she's posted on her page.

I wish I could take trips and see new things. I let the fact that I'm overweight hold me back. I don't think much of myself and keep to myself quite a bit. I avoid social situations because I'm self conscious about how I look. I'm afraid to fly anywhere because I'm afraid the airlines will make me buy 2 seats. I love photography but I never allow anyone to take photos of me. Why would anyone want to look at me? I lack confidence which is why I stayed at my job at Cubicle Hell, Inc. for 8 years. I was worried that no one else would hire me.

I've been fat since I was a teenager and had 2 verbally abusive parents who were more than happy to let me know how fat and ugly I was. They put me down constantly and I've grown up to think that I'm worthless.

I've decided this needs to finally stop. I'm tired of living this way. I'm going to start exercising on a regular basis tomorrow. I've done this before but when I started to lose weight I began sabotaging myself and it took me a while to realize why.

The truth is I'm scared. I've been overweight for so long I don't know who I am without it. I'm always the "fat girl". I was the one who watched every one's purses & coats while they went and danced. I was always the one home on Fri & Sat nights that my friends knew they could call when they didn't have dates or anything better to do. Once when a friend was worried she wouldn't get a date for the xmas party she told me "At least I know I'll get one before you." Thanks.

I'm going to start keeping track of what I eat and now often I work out. I know I can do this. I just need to get over my anxiety. I will blog on a regular basis to keep track of my progress. I want to see how much I can lose in a month before I go to the McCartney concert.

Wish me luck!

Help Wanted!

My frustration is pretty high today. I am in my 30's and currently unemployed. I worked for Cubicle Hell, Inc. for almost 8 years and was laid off in April. That was a tough day. I worked my ass off for that company every single day and I got laid off but some one else who can barely do that job got to keep hers. I was very angry but at the same time I wondered if it wasn't a blessing in disguise. I really did not like my job. It was just a paycheck to me as was the case for every one else in my dept. We were all unhappy with the actual job we were doing. This was my way out.

I quickly made the decision to go back to school to study medical billing & coding. I signed up for courses just a few days after I got laid off. A few weeks later I was sitting in my 1st class among people in the same boat as me (laid off) and kids just out of high school. The rowdy immature high school students were tough to be around. I was there to actually learn something so I could get a job to support myself. These kids couldn't care less.

I made it through the program with a 4.0 average and am now job hunting like crazy. My school has always said their Career Services dept will help us find a job. So far they haven't done much. I feel like I'm getting the brush off some times. I've emailed my resume to the proper person in Career Services 3 times & never received a response. I had to keep emailing & calling in order to talk to her.

I finally reached her last week only to be told she couldn't see me for another week because her schedule was full. So today was my meeting with her and honestly I just wanted to scream at her and walk out. She asks me why I'm there even though I told her why in my emails and phone calls. She tells me she doesn't have any billing positions that she knows of and that she's sorry, she meant to call me to tell me that. So basically I went down there for nothing.

Then she asked me what she told me about my resume. I told her she never told me anything about my resume. So she finds my email & opens my resume & tells me she wants to change some things which means she never once looked at it before.

Instead of her saving my resume as a new document and just tweaking what she wanted she opened a blank document and started retyping my resume from scratch. She was copying what I already had so I saw no point in what she was doing. She only changed a few things yet I had to sit there for an hour while she slowly re-typed everything. Then she tells me to come back in a week. Wow. Thanks.

My unemployment is up in 2 months and if I don't find a job soon I'll have to start taking from my 401k which I don't really want to do but may not have a choice. I can't help thinking about what will happen if I still can't find a job and go through my 401k. So many of my friends are in my position. Things are so tough out there and it's hard to stay positive but I keep plugging away, applying to every single job I can, posting my resume on job sites and making phone calls.

Will eating brownies and watching "Lost" help my frustration? Yes, as a matter of fact it will!

Where Have All the Manners Gone?

Good manners are dying. My friends have no problem making plans with me then standing me up. Some times they don't even call to let me know they aren't coming. Now I understand things come up and life happens but a simple phone call to let me know you aren't coming is all I'm asking for.

I had plans with 2 separate people this weekend. One was a no call/no show and the other sent me a text way too late tell me she wasn't coming because she's in charge of selling Girl Scout cookies for her daughter. She's been selling these cookies for a week now so this wasn't news to her. If she knew she couldn't leave the house due to parents showing up to get cookies from her then why did she bother to initiate plans with me in the 1st place? I cleared my weekend for these 2 people and they both blew me off.

I decided to go to Starbucks to drink some tea and read my book. A customer was treating the barista like dirt and practically yelling her order at her. It was completely uncalled for as this barista was being very nice (nicer than I would have been in that situation). The customer's friend looked mortified and was telling her to calm down and asked what was wrong with her. Then the barista "accidentally" spilled some of the drink on the rude customer which I found very amusing and Mrs. Cranky Pants suddenly shut up. I think she got the hint and her friend quickly ushered her out the door.

I was in a store the other day and an elderly woman was in line in front of me. The cashier rang her up, bagged her items, then left the bags on the counter. The elderly lady was clearly having trouble lifting the bags into her cart and the cashier just stood there staring at her instead of helping her. The lanes were very narrow so there was no way I could go around her and help her myself otherwise I would have.

When did it become acceptable to see a woman who is walking towards a door with stroller and just letting the door close on her? Or let the elevator doors close on someone as they're racing to to catch it only to see the person occupying it hitting the "close doors" button? Or pushing past an elderly person in a coffee shop to get in line before them? It would be more understandable if the ones perpetrating these offenses were teenagers who just didn't know any better but these are grown adults I've seen do this. We owe it not only to society to do better but also to ourselves.